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So let's talk numbers.

26.2: The number of miles I walked/ran at the Walt Disney World Marathon in January, a goal I worked my ass off last year to achieve.
3: The number of months it has been between that race and this past week - the first time I've run since, save for once or twice.
4: The approximate number of weeks it took me to suck up my pride at the realization I needed to start my running journey back at the beginning of Couch to 5K and actually do it (tonight, I will be on W1D3).
29: The age I turned last month.
10: The number of years it's been since I started Weight Watchers for the first time. This month actually, I think.
6: The size of the wedding dress I bought that currently zips halfway up.
2006: The last time I saw something resembling the number I saw today on the scale:



19: The date in April I'm going to start taking "It's Not an Option" (INO) seriously up until my wedding day and beyond to be the healthiest version of myself - the person I know I am inside.
1: The number of years it will have been, to the day, that I got engaged when I start this journey this Saturday.
20: The number of weeks I hope to take to reach my goal weight and be able to zip up my wedding dress and say with confidence, "I did this shit."

To say I'm scared is an understatement. But the thing is, I usually let my fear propel me, not stymie me. I've skydived, traveled to the other side of the world, and left a great man to follow my heart and never look back. I've been the first person on either side of my family to graduate from a four-year university, and have never taken no for an answer. I turned getting laid off a year ago into an opportunity to start a freelance career I'd been holding off on, and I wouldn't trade the (albeit arguably small amount of) success I've found with that for anything.

So why in the world have I let fear rule me when it comes to my health and fitness? Why have I let myself gain 25 lbs. since Josh and I got together three years ago?

I think to myself what I'd tell a friend, and it'd be the following:

1. You're good enough.
2. You're strong enough.
3. You're beautiful.
4. You deserve to feel beautiful in your own skin.
5. Food is not the enemy.
6. Junk food will always be there.
7. It hurts because you're changing - without the hurt, there is no change.
8. Your children will look to you for inspiration one day.
9. Forgive yourself.
10. Move forward.

I know these are the things I need to tell myself, and more. I know the journey will be hard, but then again, what journey with a reward worth anything is easy?

I'm tired of going back and forth and shaming myself over and over again. I'm tired of seeing being health conscious as a chore. I'm tired of choosing sleeping in over running, and making up stupid justifications for doing so. I'm tired of looking at my running medals and telling myself I'm not an athlete anymore. I'm tired of being terrified of the impending day when my "big" jeans won't fit anymore, gazing longingly at my neglected skinny jeans, and lamenting over how I can only wear about 40% of my closet (and only 50% of that comfortably). I'm tired of choosing the easy path over the right one, and of feeling sorry for myself. It's not me, and it never has been. And it sure as hell isn't going to start now. It's time to walk the talk, and accept that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Cliché, but one I really need to listen to right now.

I'm going to be blogging here regularly along my journey, and I really hope you guys follow me. It's going to be a rough summer, and I will need all the support I can get.

Love you all. Thank you for continuing to believe in me.

Comments

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
jenislosingit
Apr. 17th, 2014 08:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks Katy. ♥ My heart leaped when I saw your comment in my e-mail inbox. It really is nice to know I have a support system over here. You guys were my rocks when I was going through such a hard time at the same time as training for my first half, and I know now that I took it for granted back then. I'm so happy we're still buds and can be around to support each other. ♥

You're so right. I tote WW as such a great program because it doesn't deny you anything but instead teaches you to have stuff in moderation, but I haven't been practicing what I preach lately at all. Definitely going to be a bit of a journey getting back there - and more of a mental one than a physical, which is saying something since my physical isn't exactly ideal. Lol.

Thank you so much. I'm excited to get back to blogging and being real with you guys and myself again. ♥
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jenislosingit
Apr. 17th, 2014 09:12 pm (UTC)
Oh damn that's right, LOL. If I'm writing here regularly, IDK if I'll have the time or energy to do both. I could probably commit to at least once a week or so though. :o)

I know, man. What a hassle, lol - I have to WORK!? xD Yeah, that's been rough lately. I've reverted back to using food as a crutch, which is no bueno. MFP is fantastic too; If I wasn't doing WW, I'd use it. I've even done them simultaneously before, but it's too much. I know WW works for me, so I'm just gonna keep my chin up and commit.

Exactly! Like, what's the point, right? I look in the mirror and I know I'm not FAT, but I'm also not ME.

Haha great way to look at it. :o) Thank you. It will feel really good the day I zip that up (and even better the day I zip it up and can breathe, LOL).
yzztik
Apr. 17th, 2014 09:56 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, the group blog. I dropped the ball on that, but seems we're too busy anyway. I'm just so unmotivated to write lately. I've even stopped posted on Dailymile.
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yzztik
Apr. 17th, 2014 09:46 pm (UTC)
You can do this! No excuses!

I'll be reading and always here if you need a sounding board or advice or whatever. Wish we lived closer. Maybe we can go for a run when I'm in town for Christmas ... or when you visit SF ;)
jenislosingit
Apr. 17th, 2014 10:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks dude. Excuses are so easy and yeah, I wish I had you here to keep my ass in line, LOL. That seems to work pretty well. ;p When will you be here? Because just saying, you might be getting a wedding invite soooo if you want to plan to be here by Dec. 13th that'd be cool. :x
yzztik
Apr. 17th, 2014 10:54 pm (UTC)
I don't have to be there in person to keep you in line, I can do it virtually ;) If you want tough love, I'm your gal!

We haven't planned the trip yet, but we want to be there for Christmas. Maybe they'll let me work from Orlando for 2-3 weeks ;)
yzztik
Apr. 17th, 2014 10:58 pm (UTC)
I'm going to float the idea by my boss and let you know. I think I'll be able to. We wamt to have a party to celebrate our wedding with our family while there anyway, and if we got there on the 13th that would give us a lot more time. Hmmm.
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jenislosingit
Apr. 17th, 2014 11:02 pm (UTC)
You know I work well with tough love, so bring it on! ♥
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celestialcure
Apr. 18th, 2014 02:55 am (UTC)
YOU. ARE. BACK!!!!!!

WELL, it goes without saying that I have missed the hell out of you! Not that we don't regularly message, but still. El Jay has this old school ~nostalgia feel to it...it's like returning to the scene of the crime high school or something.

Okay, so numbers. I can go there with you. I can totally relate. Reaching that number on the scale that you NEVER thought you'd see again...or worse...surpassing it. Rough, I know (from personal gorging experience), but it's the first step in feeling fed up. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, because you're committed now. It truly sounds like you've reached your limit; time to take the feed bag full of cupcakes off!

But soon you're going to be posting NEW NUMBERS! Days you've been OP. Pounds off. Inches lost. Progress you've made on the C25K program. And, even more exciting, months...then weeks...then DAYS until you marry your best friend. And this is where the rubber meets the road: do you want allllll the numbers you listed at the start of this entry staying the same or getting worse as those last numbers tick away?

You and I both know how this story ends. We've been here before, wearing clothes too tight for our, um, voluptuous bodies, wary about stepping on that scale. And then we find our mojo. Soon we're swimming in said tight clothing, and stepping on the scale is like unwrapping a freakung fabulous gift at Christmas. That's where your headed. How do I know? Because I know YOU, my amazing Slytherdor (I don't think there's a way to combine those houses with Gryffindork first, else you get Griffinin :P), and I know that you've reached your limit, and you've GOT THIS.

In the meantime...if you want to send me completed trackers, I would love it, but that's entirely up to you. I know that me sending you mine for a few weeks, until I felt accountable on my own, really helped me turn that motherefffing ship (RMS Weight Loss...bikinis ahoy, bitches!) around.

And I want to close with an interesting article I read in the March/April issue of WW magazine (I think). It was allllllllllll about guilt. Gee, THERE'S something we can relate to! The article talked about OWNING OUR BOO-BOOS, and moving past them, because apparently people who feel guilty and get stuck on that guilt are LESS SUCCESSFUL than members who enjoy that piece of chocolate cake (which was the ~naughty food they polled ppl on). I read that and cackled; LIKE WE DON'T KNOW THAT AND LIVE IT EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Love you, bb! You GOT this. Come on; we both know how this is gonna end: you're going to be kicking butts, taking names, and killing the spare like always! ♥
jenislosingit
Apr. 18th, 2014 04:53 pm (UTC)
I AM BACK! Well, to the LJ world anyway - diet/exercise world FOR SRS starts tomorrow when I wake up. But YES, I know what you mean. When I lost those 10 lbs in 2011 (cryyyy that was so long ago) and ran my first half, I was updating here regularly and it was wonderful. I loved having a place to vent my frustrations, celebrate my achievements, and talk to people who really, truly GOT IT. ♥ So yay, here I am again!

Dude it was really hard seeing that number, and today I'm sure it's even higher tbh. I know it'll be close to if not over 150 at my actual WW meeting tomorrow so yeah, enough is enough. Mels is coming over and baking tomorrow and I'm going to Ceviche in the evening and none of that is going to deter me! I'll be blogging about that after I finish commenting here.

But yep, I'm ready to start posting my weekly stats and I'll post my food logs again too (so you can see them here and not have to deal with all my texts!). You're so right - the days I zip up that dress and look back on my honeymoon photos and know I met my goals are going to be AMAZING days, and those feelings are worth taking care of my body. On paper it sounds so obvious, so I will be working on my mental mojo so I can truly believe it and have it be enough.

Oooh maybe I will pick that issue up tomorrow if they have it at the meeting, assuming they haven't already started stocking the next one. I need to read that article regardless. That is so effing true dude - I enjoy food SO much more when I've planned for it and know that shit is worth it than when I'm just like LOL, FOOD, YUM, OH I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

LMAO at Gryffindork, Freudian slip!!! xD And both "bikinis ahoy, bitches!" and "killing the spare" omfg I am dying right now, like I literally LOLed and my coworker is like WTFFFF.

I love you too and I'm SO HAPPY YOU COMMENTED. I appreciate your support so much. You help keep me strong and tell me like it is, and it's the best I could ever ask for. We are doing this! ♥
celestialcure
Apr. 18th, 2014 06:21 pm (UTC)
I know it was hard, but you DID it! You got on that scale, and I'm excited to see you here, posting again, making yourself accountable!

That is ABSOLUTELY the right mindset; I checked and it's the May/June issue, page 32. Think of eating something ooey and gooey and enjoying it for what it is, and not letting that indulgence bring you down. It's hard, but doable! And think of how fabulous you WILL feel flipping through (or clicking; this is the age of digital photography) those photographs!

OMGGG, that wasn't me! I didn't write Griffindork; that was my iPad! It autocorrected me because that's apparently a word I use frequently on the Slytherin sites. I noticed it trying to autocorrect it before, but I missed it this time. Bad iPad! DYAC!

AND YES, BIKINIS AHOY, BITCHES! And I knew you'd get that reference, just because you're fabulous, and THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TALK ABOUT KILLING THE SPARE. I forget...did we (or I) scream that during Twilight movie previews at DHP2? I'm going to have to go with PROBABLY, FOR REALZ.

Yes, yes, yes! I had to comment! I HAD to! Even though I was in the bath, sipping a cappuccino (because that's how I roll before work!). Aw, sweetie, I appreciate your support, too, because that's what friends are for! You and me, together we support each other like the best bra for the most amazing pair of knockers EVAH.

Yes, we can! Yes, we ARE doing this! ♥
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Danielle Richards
Apr. 18th, 2014 08:06 pm (UTC)
Yay! The blog is back! I know what it's like to see that higher number and just kind of stare at in denial/disbelief and wonder how you got there. Sigh. I also have been struggling with (like I told you) the fear of not being able to do it again, not being able to lose a substantial amount of weight (I want to lose at least 30, if not 40). It's been a long time since I dropped more than 5-8lbs.

That being said, I know deep down that I can do it. YOU can do it too! We really do need to bring INO back. Sometimes we have to recognize it's not worth eating the cookie or ice cream. That isn't to say we can never have a cookie again, but fuck, is it worth it all the time? NO! It will also make us appreciate treats more.

We don't want to be like Blaine and eat all the Cronuts! Lol.

It won't be easy, but I know we have the willpower to get our eating and health back on track and get to our goals. :)
jenislosingit
Apr. 18th, 2014 08:54 pm (UTC)
HOT ICON. *Ahem*

Omg Blaine. I love how hard Darren Criss was pushing his stomach out to make himself look like he had anything there. Bless. ♥

Anyway, yeah you're so right, man. That shit is always going to be there - and eating a cookie once in a while is not a bad thing and tastes SO much better when it's not with a side of guilt.

Like I need to think of me as you or something - remember when we talked about that? Like, would I sabotage you? NO. I would treat you well and you would treat me well. And if you and I can lose 5-8 lbs, then let's do that, you know? Who cares! We can get there and then see if we can lose 5-8 more.

I know we have it too! If you want to send me your trackers I'd be down for that. I am gonna post mine on here! ♥
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )

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jenislosingit
Jen is losing it.

About Me

32-year-old Nutella activist, full-time grammar enforcer, and part-time runner. I live for cupcakes, Walt Disney World, terrible puns, the '90s, Harry Potter, spelling bees, pumpkin anything, fluffy animals, and B horror films. I write.

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