February 7th, 2011

wedding: kiss close-up

Week 5, Day 7

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I'm not sure I can do justice to how amazing it felt to see that number on the scale today. I freaking did it - I met my first goal. It took five weeks to lose those 5.4 lbs., and maybe I am barely into the 120s, but I don't care - I am there. And it feels amazing. I was looking in the mirror last night in the bathing suits I bought for my September 2009 cruise (yes I took pics, but those are for my goal post! :p), and even though I was about the same weight then, I couldn't believe how much better I look now. I can see lines where my abs are. Slight lines, but lines nonetheless. It's pretty awesome. For the first time since - I dunno, ever? - I felt excited for the warm weather to get here so I could go to the beach. I can't really describe how it felt to feel that comfortable in my body. It's a new feeling for me and it makes all this work worth it.

And while I am definitely celebrating my butt off, I have to admit - I am scared. This is really the furthest I ever get in my quests to lose weight. Once I break into the 120s, I get all haughty and lazy, and I gain right back the next week...then I usually don't start caring again until I surpass 135. 130 is definitely my "comfortable" weight. Luckily I have been able to stay away from 140 for the better part of the past few years, but I want 130 to be my new 140. I really really do, and I'm afraid I'll get lazy and comfortable again. And while I do like the way my body is starting to look, I know I'm not done. My hips and thighs can be smaller, and I know I can reach 120. I have always known my body is capable of it.

I remember when I was 13 years old, specifically, I was keeping track of how much I was gaining during puberty. One day, I wrote "I weigh 120!" at the top left corner of my entry. It seemed like SO much then - a year later, I was at 140. I was a size 9/11 in eighth grade, I distinctly remember. And now I am in size 6 jeans and I want SO badly not to let that go this time. I really do feel like this time, my journey is different...I finally feel like I am doing it 100% for myself, and I am hoping that keeps propelling me forward - that even on my laziest and chocolate-craving-ist days, I remember that I am not done quite yet. But I am done obsessing over my weight. I am ready to reach my goal, and I am seriously not going down without a fight. I have come too far for that crap this time...been through way too much these past few months to let negative emotion and things I cannot control get the best of me. And if I plateau before 120 and am working my butt off while staying active and not starving myself? That's OK too. I am confident I will be able to tell if my body is done losing.

I want to thank you guys for sticking with me through this. I know I've "started over" so many times. In reality, I've spent years trying to lose the same 15 lbs., and have had my fair share of ups and downs. I'm aware that the fact that I'm actively trying to lose weight when I'm not even overweight can be eyeroll-inducing to people on the outside...so I want you all to know how much I appreciate the support from individuals who truly understand that, while the size and number are important, it is more about how I want the choices I make with health and fitness to reflect the way I look at life in general - that it is a journey full of ups and downs and happiness and letdowns, but it is always worth the struggles. I have had a lot of hard lessons lately and am very grateful for all of them, because they have made me a stronger and better person and helped me realize how many great things I truly deserve. It's difficult to see that on some days and especially lately, but at the end of the day, I am really proud of what I have been able to accomplish and that I am able to pick myself up after the dust settles and not take second best for an answer.

♥ Mushy part's over, hah. There's some bad news too (isn't there always?). I nommed a bunch of chips and some dip at 2:30 a.m., as you can see from my food journal. That was a pretty big fail, but luckily my body was like, "It's fine, you ran eight miles, eat your damn chips and go back to bed, psycho." Thankfully the dip is gone (had the rest for dinner...may not have been the best decision, but I counted it), and the chips are almost gone too.

I have rambled enough, but yeah. I'm ecstatic, and I am determined to stay that way this time.